A letter to my buddy in ohio

Dear Zach,

    I know that you're leaving for Germany in a couple of days, so I thought it'd be a good time to let you know about the special "Sinatra/ War of the Worlds" party we've all been planning for you.
    Several of your favorite people will be there, including the lead singer from the Offspring; Shel Silverstein; Hank Williams III; Greg Maddux; 3 of the Harlem Globetrotters' starting five; Katie Perry; and Dmitri Martin. Conan O'Brien, of course, will be flying in via helicopter with myself, Bob Barker, Leighton Meister, Dave Barry, and that guy from Man versus Nature.  It promises to be an enjoyable night: since the Cavs are out of the playoffs, nobody's using their gymnasium, and, well, I got a deal on a one-night rental...
    You did say that you wanted a new hybrid, right?  I put that on "Zach's *Secret* Party Wish-list," on the Amazon.com website we set up for you.  I also put down "George Orwell's complete works, first edition;" "life-sized narwal statue;" "spinning rims ['22s];" "complete set of ultra-light camping gear;" "executive assistant;" "lump of gold;" and a special deal I found, "live with Bret Easton Ellis for a year."  I know it's somewhat lacking in prolificacy, but I'm hoping you'll find the gifts amusing anyway.
    Just so you know, everybody there will be dressed up like a member of the rat pack but the general decorating motif will be War of the Worlds, as per what I believe your wishes would be.  I hope you won't be too disappointed if everybody's expecting you to dress up as Bukowski, though, will you?  Don't bother changing out of your juice-stained pants or your old slippers; I know several cheerleaders would be very disappointed if you chose to "put on airs," on your big night.   
    Menu will be vegan, except for yours.  Yours will feature chicken topped with prime rib, 5 baconator cheeseburgers, and a meat-lovers pizza with extra ham.  Because it's your big day and I know that's what you'd want.
    Umm, I think that covers everything.  This party promises to be the biggest thing you've ever seen, so definitely come prepared!  There's talk that Dave Barry might be interested in introducing you to some of his writer friends, but that's all speculation at this point. 
    I guess what I'm saying, bro, is definitely don't leave early like you were thinking; stay until Sunday.  I'll be flying in tomorrow, and then it's non-stop fun for a couple of days.
    Hope this reaches you in time.

Sincerely,

Logan

Comments

[Christopher]

Logan, pure unadulterated genius.