Why Ninjas Are Better Than Pirates

    Tomorrow's theme for Super Awesome Funnest Time Ever Week is Ninjas versus Pirates.  In the interest of journalistic integrity, I'm going to do two posts:  the first will be about why ninjas are better than pirates; the other post will demonstrate pirates' superiority over ninjas. 
    For those readers who were unaware that any "tryst" existed between these two storied factions, here are several links you can refer to for further reading:
  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pirates_versus_Ninjas

http://www.realultimatepower.net/index4.htm

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pirates_in_popular_culture

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ninja_in_popular_culture

    Since both factions, of course, have different sides of the story, I will only say that ninjas and pirates have long contended for superiority in the minds of pre-homeostatic minds and beyond.

    So anyway, ninjas first.  To convince you of ninjas' superiority, the first thing I want you to do is to look at your hand, palm down, fingers together.  Now, slowly raise your arm until it's fully extended and at eye level.  Finally, spread your fingers slowly.  What do you see?  If you said, "a ninja," congratulations, you have three seconds to live.  You probably won't finish this paragraph.  If you said, "nothing," then that means the twenty-seven ninjas watching you just didn't want to be seen, and you're safe for now.
    Historically, angels have popularly intervened at key points in human existence, but their roles in corporeal affairs has been vastly exaggerated.  The casting out of Satan?  Angels.  That time all the traffic lights were green and you made it to work on time even though you left the house fifteen minutes behind schedule?  Ninjas, working toward their own ends.  The defensing of the Garden of Eden?  Angels, although how would you know if ninjas were in on it, too?  Little things that make life worthwhile, like corny poetry and the way it feels when a new pair of jeans fit you just right?  Pirates.  Because pirates are weak, unlike ninjas.  One time, this one ninja cried a single tear.  Ever.  He was banished from his pack of ninjas and his name never spoken again.
    Ninjas are brave, intelligent, fearless warriors. They're equally adept at escorting foreign liasons across embattled territories; performing hand-to-hand combat with Chuck Norris without being "neutralized"; taming wolves with a mere glance of their steely gray eyes; executing a global, synchronized "corporate realignment"; sitting absolutely motionless, without even their hearts beating, for up to three years; herb lore; natural poison resistance; "de-operationalizing" an opponent with any object on hand; and the romantic arts. 
    Pirates, on the other hand, sit around drinking salty beer and swabbing the deck.  They like romantic comedies; the only way to become a pirate is to cry after watching The Notebook.  Pirates cry a lot, and usually prefer smelling scented candles to looting.  Finally, on any given ship there will be even fewer teeth than the walnut-sized aberrations that pass for brains in the pirate community.